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Monday, June 15, 2009

I am Jack's fractured sense of being

She sat on the couch and stared blankly at the TV. It wasn't fully in focus but she didn't really care. It crossed her mind that she should probably get a move on and start working, but she wasn't too inclined to do so. A thought tentatively made its way up to her and timidly suggested that perhaps she might want to sit up straight and take some care of herself, perhaps tidy herself up a bit, but again, she told it to take a hike. (The thought crept away in defeat and ended up with a woman who got a mega makeover and landed the guy of her dreams so perhaps the girl might have felt bitter about dismissing the thought had she known, but she didn't. It was her loss nonetheless.)

She wasn't really interested what was playing on television, she wasn't watching it with too much involvement anyway. A movie was on. A happy ending came up. She got a bit teary eyed at the ending, as she always did, whatever be the movie. She started crying. But then, unlike normal circumstances, she kept going, on and on, breaking down completely and going at it again with renewed vigour just when it seemed she was calming down a bit, not knowing why, but being sure that the happy reunion of the long lost lovers on screen was not the reason for her waterworks. She just need an excuse to get hysterical.

"Ach, this was bound to happen", she sighed, after she was too spent to cry anymore, "This is probably what happens when you feel like you're a couple dozen punches, a lot of blood and some kick ass dialogues away from turning into Tyler Durden."

17 comments:

another brick in the wall said...

whoa... second para is mind blowing

if i could extend it, which you know i'd love to, considering it's morose feel.. i'd write so

in time you realise that life is one big movie itself; with you in lead, always the hero of the drama, the sufferor, the fighter, the warrior, the rare victor and the often vanquished, but never giving up, waiting for your happy ending, waiting to be watched, noticed and cried over, celebrated, rejoiced; for you've performed well, extremely well, true there were mistakes and not everything was perfect, but the road wasn't easy, never straight, life presented you with numerous choices and you had to always go by one of them. you did what you felt was the best then, you paved your path, built your future, then and there. the over-rated destiny was created by you in one second, just like that, like it never was a huge deal, but only seemed like; like in TV, where death is just tomato ketchup spread over a live body, the character will get reborn behind the camera and move into a self-directed movie without any predetermined script. just a plain outline, a faint idea, a delicate thought, that is so fragile, that one whisper of a breath can turn it's course, but well, he never knows it, we never know it, you never believe it, cause you never imagine it coming. the breath was never a part of your dream, your imagination, but an addition, an infilteration, caused by some foreign unwanted body, moving you and swaying you to a completely new world perhaps and then again presenting you with options, making you again believe that you are god and you have a choice. hah! what an illusion this life.

***********
but i am so glad you didn't include all this :P

indiegurl said...

hello... EVERYONE is a couple of dozen punches, a lot of blood and some kick ass dialogues away from being tyler durden... the tooth fairy included :D

just wanted to point out cos i want to be annoying.

Ghost Rider said...

Interesting! wonderfully short sentences. And rhythmic to the extend that had you pressed enter after each of those sentences, this could have been a wonderful poem!

raghu said...

nice.

ramsub said...

Brilliantly Written. What you've written is absolutely scary because its so true.

as to the fight club refernce, I am glad you referenced it with female depression coz I have this opinion about fight club:

The guys of fight club have so much in common with depressed teen girls, in fight club they beat the shit out of themselves in order to feel, feel pain and deal (or not) with their anger frustration (at themselves, the world) and in real life depressed teens (mostly girls?) cut themselves in order to feel, feel pain and deal (or not) with their anger frustration (at themselves, the world). In fight club they hit themselves (literally: the narrator and Tyler durden are one person), in the real world they cut themselves. Either way its self harm.

It always irked me that the movie tried to portray
a) "fight club" as this exclusively male, man thing
b) that "fight club" was this novel new concept of what people can do to themselves when they're driven to desperation.

Self harm (or "Fight club") has been practised by both sexes and for ages.

Theres another paragraph that I would add

when she realizes shes just a few punches away from being tyler durden, she starts thinking about it. After a while it starts appealing to her, after all she hasn't felt anything in a long while, just numbness punctuated with hysteria. Now shes hysterical she thinks about actually punching herself and tries to do it. It doesn't happen she doesn't know how to hit, she hasn't been conditioned to this sort of violence. So she punches the wall gets her knuckles a bit red. she feels pain and it feels good, its the first thing she's felt in a long time. so she thinks of how else to create pain. she picks up a blade and digs into her skin. If theres no blade, a pen a scale even her nails will do. In fact those are better, because those look like genuine scretches. I fell down, she'll mumble to a couple of people who notice the marks on her arm. She herself will never beleive that anyone else got scratches by accident after this.

ramsub said...

all of the above said, for anyone who goes into depression and numbness, etc and wants to feel....

please don't try self harm, there's another thing that works even better

Its called coupling (the BBC version). That show is guaranteed to make you smile laugh and be happy even when you're at your lowest and when you can't feel anything. Even when other stuff on tv makes you either hysterical or remains out of focus, coupling makes you happy!

its that ridiculous and good natured.

Adhirath said...

Wow!!..I didn't know you could come up with such a piece!

ahem ahem....I doubt if I'd ever get this moment otherwise, so might as well act like one of those big shot editors writing reviews of book...so here goes:

"A masterpiece, jam packed with emotion, a sense of affiliation and above all 'life'.."

But seriously Divi..awesome work..maybe a lil on the blues side of life! but nonetheless, wholesome gudness! :)

Divs said...

* thumbs up! *

nice write up! esp the second paragraph..

Tiger said...

not interested but kept going... sounds familiar

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Divya said...

@most of the previous commenters- thank you.

@last one- does my post really holler "hump me now, monkeyman"? I am appalled with my friends for not giving me a heads up. Gah.

krithika said...

I came... read your blog... thought thought thought... forgot to comment.

Came back... read again... thought thought thought... I don't know what to comment...

I feel stupid stating the obvious and telling you that that was brilliant... :P

But you insisted I comment...

Adarsh A. Varghese said...

Very well written! And glad to see that you are still blogging! Just started bloggin again and realised that many ppl who used to blog "in my times" have stopped!

Adarsh A. Varghese said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
raghu said...

i think someone else knows indavao's password :P

Soumya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vedang said...

two thumbs up! great writing :)