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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Think

There was a time
When the thoughts would not stop;
Tormenting body, mind and soul.
People wished it wasn't so.

Now things have changed
And peace prevails.
Then why do they wish
For it to return?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Down in a hole. Feeling so small.

Uneasiness, restlessness, aversion and confusion, all rolled into one.

Disliking yourself is the worst, most uncomfortable feeling one can ever experience.

Almost.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Pharmacy. Open 24 x 7.

Sleep is the best medicine. Especially if you are experiencing a deficiency of laughter in the first place. You escape the world, with all its unpleasant realities and all your demons wandering about joblessly taking pleasure in treating you as their dartboard till you feel deflated. So you sleep. Tell the demons to take a hike for a few hours. That’s what I do. Am depressed, will sleep. Excessively. Dangerously in some cases. Dangerous in the sense that I really should not be sleeping so much as say, studying for the next days exam.

I used to be one hell of an insomniac. I would toss and turn till dawn without a wink of sleep, for nights on end. And that would not exactly help situations. So, one irritable night, I took to codeine. Worked like a charm. Black magic actually. Slept like a baby, whenever I wanted to. Whenever I needed to. The magic continued for a few months. Then I got a little apprehensive and tried sleeping without it. Impossible. Take the tossing and turning, add a pinch of desperate restlessness to it and two cups of burning anxiety, and that’s what I ended up with. Not pleasant to say the least. Tossing and turning feverishly, hearing a rooster across the street start crowing from 2 am onwards and thinking “They need to get that bird fixed… the sun is nowhere close to up…” That scared me. Took me a while to discard all those extra condiments. I was then left with plain old same-as-ever insomnia. But I needn’t have worried. Very soon after that I was packed off to college where I had to work so hard that I was out like a light while my head was still en route to the pillow. And the present status is: Sleep your worries away. It will save you your sanity, at least for those blissful few (?) hours.

A better medicine which I discovered but can't use all the time... Writing. I am not verbally brilliant. I can perform decently in debates, but when it comes to discussing my feelings and emotions, I’m reduced (enhanced?) to a stammering nervous totem pole. I’d much rather discuss serious issues with people through email, sms or IM. Then I become so much more eloquent, more composed, more rational. In person, I stammer, I forget, I say the opposite of what I mean. So I usually don’t say at all. And then I get more jittery by the minute. I snap. I shout. Then I apologise. And then I sleep. And the cycle goes on. So I write. For people, for myself, or for everyone who cares to read, on the blog. And then I can dance a little jig and mean it too.

2 a.m. and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.

-- Breathe, Ana Nalick

So many medicines… literal and figurative…